day 742

The first time I came back to the Cape after Michael died, it had just been thirteen days. I remember the bay breeze rushing across my face, feeling as though his spirit was enveloping me. I look back on my old posts, and I’m not sure how I got this far. Back then seconds felt like hours, and minutes felt like years. The thought of living a lifetime without him was simply incomprehensible. Still, going to the Cape so soon afterwards provided comfort, and a connection to him.

Last year, I felt hollow being here. Every sunset burned a hole in my heart. I contemplated never coming back, feeling all the good moments here had been used up. I ultimately decided to make the trip back this summer because Virginia really wanted to come. Her memories of Michael are so few, and the Cape is a place she associates with happy family times. So, I figured I’d push through with a stiff upper lip. In my mind, I’d resolved this would be our last trip.

As I stood on the deck watching the sunset last night, something felt different. And then I realized what it was—I was smiling.  A real, genuine one. The kind that only happens when you feel happiness in your heart. I wasn’t thinking of Mikey, though. The joy came from simply capturing the beauty of the sun’s warm glow as it tucked in for the evening.

When I woke up the next morning, something else incredible had happened. I stirred from my slumber fresh from a dream about him. I’ve been hoping to see him for so long. We were in an apartment that was unfamiliar, and both packing our bags. I was getting ready to settle into a hot bath, then realized the time. I’d be late for the airport if we didn’t leave right away, so I gathered the girls. Mikey looked at me, and said “I’m sorry I can’t go with you, I have a different flight”.

And then, I woke up.

Just like that, he was gone, again. I’m a little panicked now that he may not be coming back. Ever. And yet, I feel a quiet peace in my heart. As though he has finally accepted the reality of it all, and is ready to move forward, too.

Music Pairings: Summer Wind by Frank Sinatra

The Flip Side: Babe by Styx

21 Comments

  • Tracey

    Good Morning Jennie,
    How do you do that, causing me tears so early in the morning? Whoa and you gave me goose bumps too.
    He will always be near. What a dream. He and Tom are playing darts or something. wonder who will be the winner? Maybe heaven doesn’t have winners, since everyone is a winner up there!
    I understand…I understand.
    Hugs, laughter, a calming sunset and a fresh breeze to revive the spirit,
    Tracey XXXX

  • Tracey

    P.S.

    Do you think you can post a recipe from the Cape? I am so hoping to go.I keep saying, “one day, one day?”
    T.A.

  • Ann Bacciaglia

    A timely post for me as it is approaching the 2 year mark of Darin’s death. Thank you for reminding me that it is ok to move on and think about the future!

  • Heidi

    Beautiful post. I believe that Mikey knows you are ready to move on. On some plain the ones we love stay with us until they know we are strong enough to fly on our own. You are there.

    Started reading your posts after one I read said to make a peanut butter pie for Mikey and this is the first time I have commented. You are special and have put your whole heart out there to be shared and many have learned from you.

    Love to you and family. You go girl(s).

  • Debbie

    Day 1,840

    That gave me chills. I had a similar dream and it felt so final, but he has made a few appearances in my dreams since.

    I happy to hear about the smiles. I have always wanted to visit the Cape. I’m putting it on my bucket list.

  • Denise

    Beautifully written, words are poetry sometimes, and you captured a tender moment perfectly. Thoughts to you and the girls!

    Maybe our paths will cross – we are heading to the Cape next week.

  • Anne Weber-Falk

    Perhaps this is his way of saying goodbye because he knows you are ready. Beautiful. Peaceful. With Love.

  • Miranda

    No words, just awe at that dream. A thousand thank you’s for sharing with us. The comments show the ripples that are flowing through this community as a direct result of your generosity. It’s about way more than food.

    Love you as If we knew you. Soak up that beachiness!!

  • Susie M

    Tears. You write so beautifully about your story. Dreams like this really are a window into another world. Glad he came for a visit and glad you are all able to take steps forward. <3

  • Robin

    Wow, well that says it all that dream of yours. What a gift, glad you all are doing well, what more would he wish for.

  • Veronica Gaboury

    Since I found you this summer while doing a search for waffles (which we LOVE your recipe and never want another kind again) I have been drawn to you, your food, your story and your writing. Thank you for sharing and making us all feel connected. I am so happy for you to have had that dream.