the long way home

This is the view from the house we stay at in North Truro. I walked that path hundreds of times with Mikey, leading to the bay, and the view still takes my breath away. Walking out to low tide was always a special experience. Our feet buried in the sand, sweet bay-kissed air smacking our cheeks in the morning's wind rejuvenated our souls.

As I took that last stroll this morning, girls in tow, the reality of our situation resonated more so than the last 26 days. My husband is dead. He is not coming back. He will never take this walk with me, at least in a form I can recognize, with warm hands I can clasp.

Lowtidelastday

I miss him. Terribly. More than anyone can imagine. What we shared for 16 years was real, raw, complicated, imperfect, and yet we managed to stay together through all of it because we were meant to be together. We worked for our love. It was tested at times, and we came prepared for battle, fighting to hold onto it.

It wasn't always with ease and the fairytale nature it may seem from what I've chosen to share here, but it was as real a love as you'll ever come across in any lifetime.

Footprints

Walking back from that last low tide, I let the girls walk ahead. Then I crumbled to the ground, knees bent in the sand, much like the position Mikey was found in when he collapsed on that corner two blocks from our home in Brooklyn. I sobbed, asking why, then looked up to find Isabella coming to comfort me. We held each other and began to cry together.

Clouds

And then we picked ourselves up, brushed the sand from our legs and made our way back to the cottage. I imagine we'll be picking ourselves up and brushing away the pain a lot over the next few days, months and years. I know somewhere Mikey is watching this all unfold, and wondering why the hell this happened too. We'll persevere because the Perillo Girls are made of strong stock, but we'll always carry the sadness of what could've been.

VirgniaOnBeach

 And that's okay because we're only human.

124 Comments

  • Elizabeth

    The tears are just rolling down my face Jennie. Your honesty is astonishing and your strength makes me feel weak in the moments I am in now. I want to give you the biggest hug imaginable and yet I know it will not take that pain away, but just know that so many of us are thinking of you.
    All we can dream about is that you and your beautiful girls find that happiness soon and embrace it with everything you have.
    Hugs Jennie.

  • Jenny

    You have a wealth of friends that you “know” and you don’t “know” here to help pick you up when and if you need our help.

  • Kim

    I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you and your girls. You can do this, even though it’s harder than hell.

  • Jenna | The Paleo Project

    I hate the reason I found your blog. I wish I found it earlier. Before the sadness and the heart break. But right now I wish a lot more things for you. I find myself thinking of you late at night. Which might seem strange, or it might make sense. I just think of you anyway. I can only say that I have begun to look at the people in my life with more understanding of what could be lost and I’m so sorry that it has to be this way. Sending love from a young stranger girl who just really really thinks of you a lot now.

  • Jackie

    I have no words that would do this post, and what you are going through justice. So please just know that I am here, supporting you from afar and grieving for you.
    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Michael Procopio

    I know that crumbled position. It is involuntary and sometimes surprising but, when I have found myself able to stand up again, I always feel a little bit lighter, as if my body had just shed some of the weight of my grief.
    It’s a good and necessary thing, however painful and overwhelming it feels at the time.
    How awful it all is, but how wonderful, too, that you have such beautiful children and excellent friends to help pick you up again and carry on.

  • DessertForTwo

    Oh Jennie. Still sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way.
    I couldn’t comment on your last post because I couldn’t wipe the tears away.
    You are strong and your girls & you will make it through this.
    All my love,
    Christina

  • Clare Conlon

    Jennie,
    I came across your blog a few weeks back when I read about “a pie for Mikey.” Ever since I have been following your posts and this one is the one that has touched me the most.
    My cousin was found dead in his bed on the 29th December at the age of 31 and then less than 4 months later my great aunt died suddenly. This year has been so hard for me and my family. There are good days and bad day. Days when it hurts to remember them and days when the memories make you smile.
    Nothing will take away that pain but somehow you manage each day (not always successfully but you do get through it).
    Remember to let the emotion out. Life sucks and is truly unfair but there are so many happy times to treasure too.
    I hate the fact that I will never see these people again and Im sure you feel similarly about the loss of your husband. I just try to remember the happy times even though it hurts.
    I have found your blog so helpful and remember you are strong and you can get through this.
    There is a Robbie William’s song called Nan’s Song that my brother played at my aunts funeral. I find the lyrics very theraputic and maybe they will help you.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEVl1shriqg
    Keep smiling through the tears,
    love Clare x

  • Stop Hounding Me

    I am so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts right now. It’s so easy for us to take our daily lives for granted–I truly needed a wake up call–sometime to force me to slow down and enjoy these times right now–however imperfect the “right now” may be.

  • Amanda

    This was exquisite. You are so wise to anticipate the repetition of pain and realization. I think, in time, you’ll come to see that what may have been was not completely squelched. Those girls, your heart, the legacy of love. At least that is what I wish for you.

  • Dana B.

    omg Jennie, I feel so bad for you all. Tears yet again are rolling down my face. Yet, I also am very glad you had the kind of love you did, even tho you were shortchanged big-time in how long you had it. It just sounds amazing. You sound like a wonderful person and watching the food community come together to support you has been incredible. We’re here for you, however we can help.

  • jennifer

    the tears are rolling down my face too….there are never good words for something like this. But you’re sharing it beautifully. Here’s to your strength. Was thinking about you all night and even sobbed, for someone I don’t know. Holding your family in our hearts.

  • Auntie

    My heart breaks for my girls every time I read a new post, whether here or on twitter. Just know auntie is here – all you need do is ask and I’ll do my best for you all. See you Monday. Love, with all my heart, Auntie.

  • Cheryl Arkison

    So much courage to write like this. Honesty. More than most can because so many people want to hide or gloss over the pain.
    I hope one day we can meet and cry together, and laugh, over wine. Or something stronger.

  • Lily

    Jennie – what you are sharing is amazing, and I am glad that you have your girls to share this with even though you should not have to go through any of this. There is no right thing to say to someone who is experiencing what you are – nothing at all. Only you know what is right in these moments, and know that you have an amazing support system when you need it – don’t forget to lean on them.

  • Glenda

    That’s a beautiful post! So raw and honest. Reminds me of when my dad passed. I was 13 and me, my mom and sister cried together huddled in my moms bed many of nights, for many years because that hole he left us was never filled. It made us 3 so much stringer bee became fighters against the world and many years later we persevered. Thanks fir sharing Mikey with all of us. Peace and strength to you and the girls xo

  • Kristin

    You are amazingly talented and strong. I truly appreciate that you’ve been willing to share so much with a wider community, and I hope it is cathartic and healing for you to do so.
    Keep it up as you return home and work on finding your pace and continuing to pick-up yourself with your girls.

  • carole

    I’ve been following your blog as a foodie for a while. But now, as a wife I read it with enormous gratitude. You’re strength and honesty does not go unnoticed. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you family, my heart breaks for you. No stupid one-liner sayings here. Please just know a transplant in SoCal (from ATL) prays for you and the years ahead. Casseroles are a good comfort food. I’ve got some recipes if you’re interested.
    Thank you for being raw and open.

  • Louisa T.

    You will fall down and get back up time and time again. But, you WILL get back up each time because 2/3 of those Perillo Girls need you more than anything else in this world right now. And the other 1/3 is made of some pretty strong stuff I imagine and won’t LET anyone hold her down, not even grief. Give yourself time…..as you said, it will take days, months and, yes, even years. You will never forget but you will carry on and you’ll learn to live and laugh again. That, again I imagine (not having ever met either of you), is what Mikey would have wanted for you and your girls.

  • Texas Mel

    The only way to avoid that pain is to never give your heart to another person. Of course, should you choose that path of avoidance, you will also never feel that perfect bliss that only comes to you when you have found the one. A cosmic joke? Maybe. But worth it everytime. I am sorry you are hurting now. I am happy you had him in your life, even though it wasn’t enough time, I bet you would do it over again.

  • Sarah

    As I said commenting on another one of your posts, my dad died years ago, when I was 9. A few months later, my mom and I took a two week vacation along the west coast. It was only supposed to be 5 days. But every new spot to we drove by, we stayed a little bit longer than we said we would. We weren’t ready to go back to what wasn’t normal anymore. It was such a terribly raw and awful time, but looking back, it was a very special time for my mom and I. We formed a bond like a mom and her daughter/daughters shouldn’t necessarily have to. But it made it better, not easier, but better. I won’t tell you what it will be like for you. I can’t know that. I knew my mom had a different grief losing her husband than I did losing my dad, but I don’t have a way to know what that’s like. But I can tell you that for me, the best thing I did was to start writing down all my memories of my dad. I wrote down everything from the time he made the most disgusting spaghetti when my mom was out of town to all the times he called me his little princess. Years later, those memories still mean something. Take care. Will be thinking of you in your loss.

  • Sharon Miro

    Wow. Again, you ability to truthfully describe the rawness of your pain is an awesome thing to be allowed to witness.
    I know that knocked-to-my-knees feeling too…it is a testament to your love that you can get up and keep going.

  • afouf

    I know and can relate to what you feel, dear. I lost my husband after less than three years of marraige, but he left me with a 7 months baby, I couldnot reason his death, he was young too, but nomatter what they say to comfort me, nothing seemed to help, noone can tell what is in side of my heart after all. I was battling so many mixed feelings inside of me, noone could understand what I was going through, and yeah,like you wished for in your previous topic, wished for a boy, I wished for another one too, just to have a piece of him too, but then I figured it wasnot meant to be. It took me four good years to realize I needed to seek help, to get it all sorted out, so I went to therapy, wish had done way earlier when it happend. I feel your pain, you can scream, cry and shout out loud, things people denied me from, cuz they wanted me to be strong, for the sake of my son. Wish I could shout and cry back then, but anyhow, what I can really tell you, it will heal, it will take time, but eventually you will heal, and your little angels too, take your time, do it your way, whatever is best for you and your kids. it is gonna be a long way, but one day you will reach it the end of it, he is watching you too. I still feel my husband wrapping his arms around me, while he is not. I would run to places we used to hang around to feel him. Now I really dnot do that, cuz I know he is everywhere I go, even if I donto feel him hugging me. After I used to cry when remembering him, now I smile and sometimes i even laugh at a joke he said once to me. the pain will be there, now it might be hurting and causing you to cry, but in a while it will be different kind of pain, sweet one, I know it would sound weird, but it wont hurt anymore…. I remember nights when i cried my self till i fell a sleep, now I cannot remember when last i did cry. and yes i did love him dearly and was willing to give him my life instead of his.
    when you talk about your day to day, it rings the bell, i am re living it all with you and you make me cry and feel so sorry for your pain, and i know how bad it hurts, and I wish to have a way to make you see that it will get less painful soon, for you and your little princesses. It will and you will remember those days and catch your self smiling wishing you had a clue back then.
    Grieve and cry, let it all out, seek professional help, if you need, we r entitled to feel angry when we lose someone we love, something i learnt the hard way!
    I will keep you in my prayers, and sorry for the long comment, I thought of sharing my own experience with you the moment I heard of your loss…so sorry for your loss, dear.
    my heart and love go out for you.

  • Katja

    Thank you Jennie for being an inspiration to others in a time that must take all you strength to get through the day. Wishing you and your daughters all the best!

  • dad's big girl

    As a survivor of my father i want you to know that your girls will never forget their dad. Their memories of him will never fade, they will only become more vivid.
    The first year after my dad’s death was a blur but what I do remember and hold so dear to my heart are the times my mom and i laid in bed all day smelling his pillows we refused to wash. i remember watching my mom break down and asking me if i’d also like to break some fine china into a million pieces. i remember taking back purchases that didn’t fill our voids.
    looking back my mom may regret some of those break-downs. She often tells me now “what was i thinking? i needed to be there for you.” when i look back i don’t regret a moment. i cherish those moments. these were the times that we stopped the world and just cried, yelled, and didn’t move on. she showed me it was ok to not be super woman. and that she actually was supermom because those moments made me a better person.
    extra love to you and your family.

  • diane

    I found your blog today.. My husband died in Aug 2003. He left for work one morning and he never came home. My heart breaks for you and your girls. Take each day a moment at a time. I remember even at the lowest times, I always knew I would be ok someday. And I am.

  • Heather Jones

    I pray that you and the girls will find the happiness again that you so deserve. I know you will continue to soar and do great work because that’s what Mikey would have wanted you to do. Be well and know that you have so many who care and wish you well.

  • Mary Kay

    Tears are streaming down my face for you. Theway you write and express yourself takes my breath away. You are a gifted and beautiful soul. Mikey was so lucky to have you as his partner. I really hate that you are going through this…it just doesn’t make sense. You have left a mark on so many people’s lives.

  • Christine

    It hurts SO much because it was real, raw, complicated and imperfect! I know that kind of love. Let it all out – all.of.it. every time you can! I don’t know the loss of a husband – but losses of different relationships that felt like I couldn’t breathe – each day feeling completely different – one day crying all day and the next just in complete utter shock that I couldn’t or didn’t want to speak – followed by anger or sadness or whatever else G*d felt like dealing me that day and yes, each day does get a tiny bit better but you’re NEVER really better it’s just different and you learn how to live a different way 🙂 You are in my thoughts. Having never met you and just coming upon your blog through Averie’s blog I am so saddened by your loss and wasn’t even going to comment because I’ve been at a loss of words and not wanting to say the wrong/improper thing, but this particular blog has moved me to share…
    Thank you for sharing with all the readers

  • Maria Raynal

    So much love to you and the girls. The raw emotion you convey in your beautiful words is staggering. What you must feel day to day, moment by moment is incomprehensible, but I thank you for making the time to share it with us. Each post is a gift. I hope writing them brings you some measure of comfort.

  • Gema

    Jennie, I would like to know the way to make you feel better, to make you smile but I don’t even find the words so I just want you to know that I follow you and that you and your girls are in my thoughts.

  • Radhika

    Hugs Jennie! Your words are inspiring to every one of us. Through your strength, through your love and through your girls, Mikey will always live on. Lots of love. Sorry you have to go through this.

  • cathy stech

    You strength amazes me! Your words inspire me! I can see why Mikey loves you so! Your girls are lucky to have a mother of such strength and grace~
    ~Huggs~
    Cathy

  • Sara G

    Real love truly is powerful and precious. Your posts have reminded me to hug my husband and daughters more often and more tightly. Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Lynda

    Your blog means so much to me. Two days before the loss of your beloved Mikey, a very close friend of mine lost her husband.
    They left for work on Friday, August 5th like any other Friday. A phone call came to her mid-morning that her husband was on his way to the hospital. Before she could get to the hospital, he was gone. So suddenly and so finally.
    There have been no words to console her, but your blog has helped me to try to understand some of what she may be feeling. I feel a connection with you and am greatful for what you are sharing with us. Thank you.
    God bless you and the girls. I think of you often and keep you and the girls in my prayers.

  • Kim in MD

    I am so sorry, Jennie. This is twice today that your post has left me with tears streaming down my face. I can only imagine the tears streaming down your face when you write these posts. Through your words I can feel your pain and devastation, and again I am finding myself with no words to comfort you. I am hoping that writing about your pain is helping you get through the days somehow. I am sending you “virtual” hugs, and will continue to keep you and your young family in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Orderinthekitch

    Beautiful post Jennie. Tears are rolling down my cheek while reading this. You have such a way with words, even during this difficult time (especially during this difficult time). You have such strength, and I really admire that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your girls.

  • Michelle W. Flannery

    Hi Jennie,
    I heard this song today, and I thought of you. I want to share the lyrics with you, if you don’t mind. It’s a Sara Evans song called, “I Got A Little Bit Stronger.” Only one verse didn’t fit, so I left it out. The rest is for you, because I know at your core, this is you. Thank you for every word you’re sharing with us. Bless you, and bless your girls.
    “I Got A Little Bit STronger”
    Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
    But I brushed my teeth anyway
    I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
    I got a little bit stronger
    Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
    So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
    I listened to it for minute but I changed it
    I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
    I know my heart will never be the same
    But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
    Even on my weakest days
    I get a little bit stronger
    I get a little bit stronger
    Just a little bit stronger
    A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
    I get a little bit stronger

  • Krisztina

    I am so very sorry for your loss!!! I pray you will find the peace and strength you need to carry on!

  • Terry

    Your courage and honesty in the face of something you did not choose are a testament to your strength. I hope you don’t get tired of being told how strong you are because that can be a burden sometimes. I remember the first time my 3 y/o nephew asked, Where is my mommy? when my sister was killed. It took so much strength and tenderness to answer that question and to keep answering the ones that followed. Take care , sweetie, so many people are watching over you.
    xoxo

  • Amy in Oregon

    Jennie, I stumbled on your blog on Tuesday night. I saw a TV commercial which featured Ashley from notwithoutsalt.com. It piqued my interest, so I logged on. A recent post was about peanut butter pie and a friend who had lost her husband. I felt compelled to read about you, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you since. I cried when I read the post about your last day with Mikey, and I wept when I then read about “another life is possible”. It was intensely profound for me -the perfect words for me to read. I keep checking to look for your new posts and reading the comments hoping someone will say just the right thing to you – although I can’t possibly know what that might be. But I look anyway, hoping. I am deeply and sincerely grateful for what you have shared.

  • Bridget

    Your words are so inspiring and heart touching. They have truly taught me to live life and enjoy and love the ones you are blessed to be with. I admire how strong you are. Your girls are lucky to have a mom like you.

  • von

    I’ve just recently followed your blog through a link from another blog posting on the death of your husband. Even though I only know of you through your blog, my heart aches for you and your girls. I hope with each day’s passing, the unimaginable pain that you are feeling will be a bit more tolerable.
    You have such a beautiful way with words and your honesty is so moving. Hang in there.

  • Y

    Hello I came across your blog and am so very touched by your moving entry. After reading, I really wanted share these two scriptures with you if you do not mind which I hope brings some comfort:
    1 Corinthians 15:26 (how God feels about death)
    ” As the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing”
    So actually God is very sad about loved ones passing away. Even Jesus cried when his friend Lazarus had died. However Jesus later on resurrected him. Similarly God has plans he has mentioned regarding loved ones that have passed away at Revelations 21:4 it says,
    ” And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
    God remembers loved ones and promises to carry out this scripture.
    (additional scripture John 5:28)
    From someone who is sincerely moved by your post.

  • Amanda M

    Agreeing with Jenna’s comment, I hate the reason that I found your blog and I wish that I would have found it earlier. Thank you for sharing your most raw and painful thoughts and emotions with me and with everyone who reads here. You are brave. Thank you for helping me to see more clearly in my own life the people around me that are so valuable and reminding me not to take them for granted. Your daughters are so very very blessed to have you. Again: thank you for your boldness…and I am so so sorry for your loss.

  • Stephanei

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have experiences loss also and here is my best advice:
    Cling to your girls because only the three of you know what if feels like. Comfort yourself any way you can….sleep late, eat chocolate, read, let the girls watch extra TV…anything that gives you pleasure. The sharp pain you feel now will dull over time….and eventually you will be able to think of your husband with a smile instead of tears.

  • Quay Po Cooks

    The pain of loosing your Mikey will never go away. It still bring tears to my eyes even after 21 years of loosing my Mike when I see anything that reminds me of us. I lost my Mike the same way as you. He just drop dead in my arms. The time will come when you will be home again. Keep an open heart and let love enters again. Another life is possible, miracle happens, it happened to me, it will happen to you and your girls too. Take as much time as you need to grief and heal. HUGS to you and your girls.

  • Tracey

    Jennie
    How I recognize that deep angish. It resonates just under the surface, deep and menacing, always there. It bubbles up, unwelcomed, but welcomed at the same time. How can this be, it says, over and over in your mind. It is a feeling of such utter lack of control, it takes your breath away. I am praying for you and your girls, be sure of that. May your love get you through…..

  • kyliedewaardphotography.wordpress.com

    I don’t know you at all but my heart breaks for you with every word I read. I have no idea how you find the strength to get through every day and I wouldn’t wish what you’re going through on my worst enemy. Most of all though, I wish you and your precious family a future filled with every happiness this world has to offer. You deserve it.

  • Sue

    Once again I am speechless because of your strength and grace. We’re all out here, thinking of you, caring about you and the girls and sending you virtual hugs!

  • Rachel Willen@FoodFix

    I love your description of your relationship with Mike…raw, complicated…that you worked and fought for that love. It’s such an apt description of a true working marriage and reminded me of my own too. Us bloggers who “live out loud” put forth our best moments for readers, but there are the many hard and dark ones we don’t share. When we do…as in your case…and in mine with my heart attack 3 weeks ago…it’s so amazing to realize how much more we touch people and how vigorously they respond when we share those moments too. I think of you often and send a prayer of strength for you but you seem to have boatloads of it already…

  • Anna

    I feel like comfort isn’t even possible in moments like this. I’ve been reading your posts and my heart breaks for your loss as I cry just with the thought of losing my husband. My prayers are with you and I hope that somehow, even if for a moment, you find peace.

  • Shannon Caleval

    I only found your blog in August and I am so sorry this has happened to your family. It is so unfair and all your post since Mikey’s passing have made me cry. I will be checking on your blog everyday to see how you and your daughters are doing and hearing about what a great man Mikey was. Thank you for sharing and making me remember to always tell my family I love them before I walk out the door.
    Shannon Caleval
    Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada

  • Anna

    I don’t even understand how comfort is possible in these moments. My heart breaks for you as I read your posts, with tears flooding my eyes at the mere thought of going through what you have. I pray the somehow, even in the smallest moment, you will find peace.

  • Leslie

    Tears for a beautiful written post. My heart goes out to you and your girls. I liked how you said you and Mikey had to work for your love. Thank you for sharing.

  • Carolyn

    I’ve only been checking your blog every few days since you lost your beloved because I feel so sad after reading your posts — sad for you because you lost the love of your life and sad for me because I don’t think I love my husband as much as you loved and cherished yours. Thank you for sharing that life wasn’t perfect. I made a double batch of your veggie bullion today…sending peaceful thoughts your way the whole time.

  • joanne nixon

    i love the way you are sharing your thoughts and emotion…putting them into words is so powerful….you have many people here, following your blog, that support you and think about you and your girls…..so many more than you probably know.
    we may not know you … but we fell that we do…and we are grieving with you…..

  • Barefeet In The Kitchen

    I stood in my kitchen two nights ago with tears in my eyes as I thought of you while I made dinner for my own family. Your love for Mikey is beautifully illustrated in your writing. You have opened my eyes to how blessed I am each and every moment I have with my family. I pray for you and your girls often.

  • Claudia

    Jennie,
    Your writing is so power and raw that as soon as I finish reading the second paragraph, I started crying. I had stop and compose myself before I could continue reading.
    You and your girls do sound like you come from strong stock, hang in there, you can get through this.
    God bless you and your girls.
    Claudia

  • anna richards

    I’ve been reading your posts for a while now. Each new one I read makes me cry. Both in a sad way for you and in a way that I never knew. I realize that I can’t just live my life day to day like I have been but to treasure everything – at least try to treasure and remember these moments of daily life because I never know when and if they might end. I am so sorry that you are going through all this pain and that your daughters are as well. You seem like such a strong person that will make life what you need.

  • Ann

    Oh, Jenny. That was so beautiful and so sad at the same time. I suspect much of life is, but you deserve smiles and hugs. Thinking of you…

  • Elizabeth

    Wow! I love the way you described your marriage, “imperfect yet we managed to stay together” I think that is why so many of us are drawn to your blog. We can relate, maybe not to your current circumstances but to you. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, you and your girls are in my prayers.

  • Heather

    I’m the little girl with the little brother who’s dad died when I was 9. I was in the Christmas parade that day and he was kinda under the weather and didn’t come. That afternoon he died unexpectedly. Oh my gosh,my heart hurts for you. My mom, brother and I carried on. She was/is amazing! I’m 49 now and still remember that day and him and how things were never the same. My sympathy and I know God will be there for you and your family.

  • Kristin

    Jennie your words are beautiful and I hope provide you with just a little bit of healing with each and every word. I hope that every passing day gets just a little better, and never be afraid to feel sad or angry. Own all of your emotions. You and your girls are in my thoughts often.

  • Cory

    Ohhh… I have no giant words of comfort, but I am doing the best thing I know to do… and that is pray. I mourn this loss with you in spirit, I cry imagining the heartbreak. Life is so fragile. I feel about my guy the same as you have described. Our life is no fairytale either, but the older I get I try to live more purposely, and I don’t take any of it for granted. Just keep swimming…

  • Wine Dog

    I am so very sorry for your loss.
    I’ve read your blog sporadically for a while, came back around about a week ago to find the terrible news. I’m sorry.
    Keep writing, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Such a beautiful tribute.
    Take care and Godspeed Mikey.

  • Maria Victoria German

    Been reading your site since “For Mikey” was posted. I’m really sorry for your loss Jennie.

  • Valerie

    Jennie, you and your girls have been everpresent in my thoughts for the past several weeks, but no more so than this weekend, after reading the raw emotion and honesty in this post. Although I don’t know you personally, I wish I could do something to help your pain, even in a small way. All I have to offer is a sincere wish of hope for you, and the promise to keep reading your blog with my own hope to see you find easier times ahead despite your heartache.

  • Ashley

    Your recent posts provide unbelievable inspiration and insight into life. Hugs and much love to you and your entire family…

  • Leslie

    My husband had a massive heart attack but lived when he was 47 and i was 43. I was so scared and sad. I am so sorry for you and your family.

  • Chris

    When you have the good life that most of us are fortunate to have, you look at people who have suffered losses and feel for them; and yet you secretly are glad you are not them. When that big loss does affect your life, things are never the same again. But in time you can appreciate the strength that you and your family have because of the gift of love that was left with you; you will always have that pain but also the strength. You and your girls will have a special bond that comes from the love you shared with your husband/their father, and each other. You will all go forth knowing how lucky we are when we have love. And your girls will know the special love that family, friends, and caring strangers can offer when we all stand strong together. God bless you all. There are many caring strangers offering you love and hugs in the days ahead.

  • Christine

    Thank you for continuing to share. Even though I don’t know you in real life, I still feel for you! I’m always reminded to not get angry or worry over petty things and to show as much love as I feel to my husband and son. Thinking and praying about you 🙂

  • Deb

    I was directed to your site by Sweet Sugar Belle Adventures. I don’t normally write to people but…. if find myself checking to see how you are doing. Nothing could prepare your heart for what you are going through. I think you and Mikey had a love that some people only wish for. A new normal awaits you and the girls. Take care

  • Monique

    Jennie,
    Your strength and courage inspire me. I lost my first and true love a few months back. It ws only a break up and seems so menial compared to 16 years and 2 kids. But it hurts so deeply, so to try and put myself in your shoes almost makes it unbearable. But you seem to be handling it with grace and purpose. I pray for you and your daughters. I pray God keep you all strong, and comfort you.

  • Donna Young

    Oh Jennie, I am sitting at my desk at work and the tears are rolling down my face in streams. My saddened heart goes out to you and your girls, and I wish you some measure of solace in your time of unimaginable grief. I am sending a virtual hug. Peace, Donna

  • Cleo Coyle

    You and your girls remain in my thoughts and prayers. His love is still there–for you and for them. Be as strong as you can manage. Love will get you through.

  • Apu

    Jennie, this is my first visit to your blog. My heartfelt condolences to you – many hugs to you and the girls. God Bless.

  • Lolly

    I own a house in Eastham. I go whenever I can. I understand the magic of the place, the quiet powerful peace it brings people. *sidenote: I also own some Allrich paintings (both Karina’s and Steve’s) Hi there comment above :o)*
    My husband’s best friend was reading his 9 year old daughter a bedtime story when a brain anyeurism took him away forever…from her, her little sister and his wife. Bit by bit, that wife cobbled their lives back together. Those girls have now graduated UVA and the other is at Duke. I think of that friend still, he pretty much soaked up every second of life. When my son was born early in a deceptively cold May and I had nothing appropriate to bring him home from the hospital in, that friend drove all the way home and came all the way back to bring us a warm bunting to bring him home in. These great men. These amazing fathers. These adoring husbands. If you’ve got a good one, treasure him and be very thankful, warts and all. They aren’t perfect, but neither are we.

  • Kristen

    I cannot imagine the pain you are bearing right now. When I try, it rattles me to my core. I wanted to share an excerpt from a book I read quite some time ago. The passage stuck with me. I wanted to share it because perhaps it will resonate with you. The author lost his wife tragically to cancer, “she vanished from our midst almost as suddenly as if she had in fact been hit by a bus, with so much life still left in her and before her. So much still to give, so many joys still to taste, all cut short by some cell gone wrong. Life is so very unfair.” He writes;
    “Death’s sting cannot be denied. And yet death’s sting is not quite as absolute or as total as it may seem. When the sun is eclipsed, there remains a corona surrounding it, a circumferential glow. When someone dies, they leave a glowing corona behind them, an afterglow in the souls of those who were close to them…In the wake of a human being’s death, what survives is a set of afterglows, some brighter and some dimmer, in the collective brains of all those who were dearest to them…Though the primary brain has been eclipsed, there is, in those who remain and who are gathered to remember and reactivate the spirit of the departed, a collective corona that still glows. This is what human love means..the more deeply rooted the symbol for someone inside you, the greater the love, the brighter the light that remains behind.” ~Douglas Hofstadter “I am a Strange Loop”
    Essentially, Death can never have him completely because a part of him, his essence, lives on in you.
    Keep strong.

  • carol

    sad to say that i came to your blog just a few weeks ago via several of my other fave foodie blogs (friends of yours), whose posts caught me by surprise with their overwhelming sadness in sharing the sad news of mikey’s passing…my heart goes out to you and i continue to send you positive & healing blessings as you find your own way again with your two lovely girls… just this morning i saw this quote and i immediately thought of you, so i’m sharing it in hopes that you find comfort and if possible, inspiration.
    “to be fully human is…to know that it’s possible to face the unimaginable and somehow put one foot in front of the other.” ~ oprah
    take care and go your own pace, its the only way…

  • Sonna

    My toughts are with you Jennie and I am very sorry for your incredible loss. I can only wish that you’ll find happiness again someday – and from the strengh that shines through these posts I am convinced that you will. All the best to you and the girls.

  • Teresa K.

    I found you via another site that was baking along with you just recently. Although you are going through the worst, I have to say your tender way of writing truly touches my heart. I hope you and the girls find peace and strength.

  • paola

    as a newlywed, i can’t help but wishing my marriage is just a little bit like yours and Mickey. you are an inspiration to us all in one way or another. i thank you for being so brave to share your feelings with us. your girls and you are strong, i wish you can find some comfort soon and know that you have a community that cares and supports you.

  • Tricia

    Bookmarked your French Onion Tart because it looks so delicious and I intend to make it. And then I read on and discovered your grief. Having become a widow myself when my husband committed suicide 7 years ago, (my daughter was 8) my heart goes out to you in sad recognition. Don’t worry – no inane platitudes, wisdom or suggestions to go for ‘help’ from me, (what? to fix your pain and sadness like a leaky pipe?) just a note of solidarity. Here’s hoping there are many glimpses of light that grow brighter as the days pass. I am sorry for this turn in your road. Keep cooking, keep writing and sharing. xxx

  • Sammee

    I know you don’t know me, but I am very sorry for your loss. The posts you write touch my heart. Your love for Mikey and your girls shine through in every word. I hear strength there as well. Please be gentle with yourself, and I hope you find pockets of peace inside the chaos.

  • garance

    I’m discovering your blog and your story. I’ve just read your last posts, very touched. What can we tell you in such moments ? Don’t fall, be strong.. You’ll be able to smile again one day, trust yourself. Love is the only way.

  • Tricia

    I’ve lost people close to me this year. Before this year, I was blessed in that death didn’t seem to touch me. My brother and my nephew died unexpectedly several months apart, and my grandma died of old age, and I haven’t suffered the bad advice of people who seem to think God has a plan very much. And, I hope I haven’t said the wrong thing to my sister or mom or my aunts and uncles. Peace to you. I’m thinking about baking that pie for Mikey, my brother, my nephew and my grandma. (Just discovered your blog today and read from a Pie for Mikey entry, so this might be off topic.)

  • Gricel

    Thank you for sharing your story. I now open my eyes a little wider every day to see and appreciate all the blessings in my life and to dismiss the little inconveniences. Your strength is my strength and your hope is my own.

  • Snippets of Thyme

    My heart breaks for you. Tears are streaming. I cannot imagine this pain. I hope I have to live but ultimately I know something close to this will happen…at some time. I am so terribly sorry for you. My stomach flipped with pain for you when I read this post. Keep on keep’in on. Just keep on keep’in on…

  • Helene

    One day I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, it was my mom calling me to tell me that my boyfriend had died. It was 25 yrs ago and I still remember him like it was yesterday. For years I wished we had said a last goodbye. This is the hardest. You wake up one day and that’s it. The person you love is gone. Since then I have been married for 22 yrs and have 3 children. I moved on but still remember my boyfriend. I survived with beautiful memories of us, of his smile and his inner beauty.

  • acapulchra

    Dear Jennie,
    you have a guardian angel always with you…talk to him/her, look for consolation, ask for what you need, call other angels to support you.
    They are so warm and loving! They will help you so much if you just ask their help.
    A big hug. Take care.

  • Jenny

    Jennie. Your strength is amazing in such a profound time of pain. I wish I could tell you it will get better soon… Instead I shall add you to my daily prayer list and send thoughts of warmth, peace and healing your way each day.
    Bless you, sweet girl.

  • Collette Oliver

    Jennie,
    My hearts certainly breaks for you and your girls. I can’t even begin to know the gut wrenching pain you experience. I have lost loved ones in death, but not my husband. It saddens me when you say you will never see your Mikey again. Have you ever wondered why humans even have to die to begin with? It seems so unfair! However, the Bible has been a source of comfort to me during the toughest times. Job chapter 14:14, 15 is a big help. In that scripture, Job wonders if he should he die, could he live again. He answers his own question with surety by saying that he will wait until he his called by the Almighty. As a work of his hand, or his creation, he will not allow him to be dead forever. I have included a link (that you may have to copy and pasted into your browser)for you to read more info if you’d like to. It answers many questions people have about what the Bible teaches about death and the hope for the future of our dead loved ones. I would also appreciate it if this comment was not published since it really is just for you. Nothing can replace in your heart your hurt, but it is my sincere prayer that you find some comfort for you and your girls.
    Sincerely,
    Collette Oliver
    pioneerwannabe@gmail.com
    http://www.watchtower.org/e/200712/article_02.htm

  • Kathy M

    Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. We follow along because you open your tender and raw heart and it reminds us that every moment is precious and worth fighting for, living to the fullest. Sending warm and gentle thoughts to all of you.